Wednesday, January 3, 2018

When life gets in the way of the best laid plans

So life threw my sex plans for a loop yesterday. Mr. D called me on the way to the ER to get an x-ray on his ankle, which he sprained at work. Thankfully, he wasn't terribly injured. No break and no need for anything but elevation, ice, and ibuprofen.

But, it did put a damper on my evening plans. I ended up having to take care of dinner, my chores, his chores, and still get the kiddo to bed, so I didn't really even have a chance to sit down until about 8:30. At which time, all Mr. D wanted to do was go to bed. sleep. 

He snoozed on the couch while I caught up on some blog-reading, and we ended up going to be early. This whole "getting back into routine" business is hard for all of us.

I'm still just focusing on being gracious...trying to feel connected to him at all times. I don't know why I censor myself with a man I trust's weird...especially with all we have been through. Something I'm working on this year is letting go and allowing myself to be vulnerable with him (which I have never been good at, but when I do feels sooooo good).

Showing initiative is also something I've struggle with in our least for the past few years. I've admitted that I can be selfish. I suppose we all can be. But, I'm going to try harder to be flexible, cooperative, and willing to compromise to make sure that both of us have our deepest soul needs met.

This is a hard one for us, which I'll go into greater detail about later, because it means somehow meeting the needs on one person who prefers monogamy and the other who does not. Of course, right now, we are focusing on us - but it is always in the back of my mind that we will have to deal with this at some point. Maybe that's another thing that holds me back - somewhere in my subconscious, a little bird is singing the song, "If you keep things here, in this place, right on the cusp of becoming, you will never have to deal with those bigger, scarier issues." But then another little bird is singing, "If you don't deal with those bigger, scarier issues, this whole relationship will crash and burn...eventually." And then another lonely, little bird in the corner is always reminding me, "He isn't happy this way." I hear that little bird's song and I am simply crushed, and I feel guilty, and I want to quit.

But I won't. I won't I won't I won't.

In fact, I need to just take one damn stair at a time and stop trying to look so far ahead. What will be will be, right?

This is what you get when I post in the morning, before I've really woken up and started to censor my thoughts. I can be of consciousness...contradictory...and well...honest. So, I guess that's a good thing right? (Also...I notice, I make quite a few more grammatical errors before 7 a.m.)

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