Monday, January 29, 2018


For years I have waded through life and marriage like I would live forever and would eventually get to the things that mattered. I've often focused on all the wrong things...all the things that didn't matter much, if at all - things like making the house neat and checking off all of the crap on my to do list. And to make it shittier, all of that poorly focused energy made me irritable and crabby and tired. I took a lot on myself, because I'm a control freak. And then I'd be bitter and angry that I had to do everything. I was stressed out...and pissed off.

In many ways, I think I sabotaged my own sex drive. And I definitely did little to really improve my mental health or my relationships...with anyone in my life.

The irony is, I put aside what mattered for so long, that now I want it, it doesn't really want me back. I have spent so many years saying "Later," "Maybe tomorrow," "I don't really feel like it right now," and "I'm tired," that many of my friends have stopped asking me to do things and my husband has stopped trying. We spent so many years with him wanting me and me being to tired to care that now that I want him, he's to tired to care.

More recently, I've been coming to terms with all of this...realizing that even though I've made some poor decisions about my priorities in the past, it doesn't mean I need to continue.

It takes constant vigilance and continual questioning - "What matters most right now?" "What would make the most impact/difference right now?" "What is most important?" "What has to get done?"

I've also realized that a balanced life is unattainable. To really do what matters at any given time means that other things aren't going to get done. And in order to maintain sanity and focus, I have to prioritize by asking the above questions, considering the time I have available, and letting a lot of shit go.

For example, when I went to work today, there were easily 50 things I "should" have done. But, I knew I couldn't reasonably accomplish 50 things, so I  asked myself, "What's the one most important thing I can do to impact everything else and make myself feel great about my day?" I ended up cleaning, submitting a project, and planning for tomorrow morning. That's all the time I had. And I left on time, with my priorities already determined for tomorrow, so I don't waste time.

The same question guided me through my afternoon and evening. "What's the most important thing I can do to impact everything else and make myself feel great about my afternoon?" Cook something amazing for my family. So I went the the grocery store, hurried home, threw a load of laundry in the wash, cleaned up a bit of crazy clutter, and got started on dinner...with a cup of peppermint tea and some Patsy Cline in the background.

I normally hate cooking, but I actually really enjoyed my afternoon, because nothing else was had to get done. I'd already determined what mattered, and I was doing it.
weighing on me. There was nothing else that

When Mr. D walked in the door, he was surprised (I never cook). Dinner was ready, the wine was poured, and the kitchen was already cleaned up. Candles, music, the table set. AND I was relaxed.

That's the best kind of wife to come home to.

That's the best kind of LIFE to come home to.


Pete said...

I like this post Brigit.
You seem very comfortable and at peace with where you are, and what you need to do.
I wish you all the very best in every regard. You deserve a positive turn in events.


Southern Swinger said...

" there were easily 50 things I "should" have done"
Sounds like you have made a good start. It would help if you got rid of the word "Should".
You are the one to decide what things are important. Believe me the years go by very quickly. I am 82 and married 59 and we both learned many years ago we only have a short time together and made the most of it. Good luck

Brigit Delaney said...

I agree @SouthernSwinger, "should" is a word we should mostly remove from our vocabulary. I've become more cognizant of that over the past couple of years. In fact, awhile back, I wrote a post called "Fuck 'Should'." We all have such a short time, and we too often let things that don't matter get in the way.

@Pete: "Comfort" and "Peace" are tricky words. Sometimes I am in a good place. Sometimes I am not. But, I agree...I do deserve a positive turn in events.