I need a stiff drink... (photography)

Naked: a softening perspective (photography)

Here is my Throwback Thursday photo edit for February PhotoFest 2018:

Here is the original post that this image came from:

Naked: A Softening Perspective 

I look at myself in the mirror. Naked. From a distance, there's an hourglass shape. Upon closer inspection, however, there are all the faults I'm learning to process. The older I get, the more of them I see. But also, the easier they are to accept. My perspective softens with age. And I become more forgiving.

I stopped looking at magazines years ago. But it doesn't mean I don't inadvertently compare myself to other women. Constantly. And it shines a huge spotlight on my insecurities. My rather ample behind, my softening midsection, my less than perky breasts.

But, when I'm alone, I can usually look past all of that. And I'm getting better at accepting that Daddy finds all of it attractive. All of it. Which sort of blows my mind. I'm also getting better at dressing for the body that I have rather than the body I wish I had.

Acceptance is half the battle right?

So as I stand naked before the mirror, in the full glow of the bathroom lights, I place a hand beneath each breast to lift them. I let them drop and marvel at how changeable they are. When it's cold, the nipples pucker and darken to a shade of brown. But they melt in the heat, becoming weighted by the humidity. They grow dark hairs that I constantly pluck out, because I hate them, But the areolas, on a warm day, are a lovely shade of blush  on a background of pale white skin.

And then there are the purple and white stretch marks across my abdomen and hips. There's nothing I can do about those, besides look past them. Along with my thighs, which have always rubbed together, and will...no matter how much weight I lose.

But there are parts I love. My hands, my eyes, my lips, my skin, my hair.

It helps to look through someone else's eyes on occasion. So, I asked Daddy to write briefly about HIS image of me. This is the list He came up with:

Qualities:

strong, but prefers to follow me

bratty

uber professional at work

worrier

obsessive 

closed off

hard to approach

socially not engaged 

an awesome wife

a loving mother

my best friend

inappropriate (you might not say it but you laugh at it when I do)

easily agitated and annoyed

the ability to squirt

your love for masturbation 

your adventurousness and willingness to follow me when your head is in the game 

that you find women as sexy as I do

that you find other men attractive and can tell me.

you will laugh at me when I do something dumb

you are submissive

that you are so literary and well-schooled

that you can make geek jokes and you laugh at crude ones

Appearance:

your green eyes, such pools of jade

your hips, the way they hourglass away from your waist

your full breasts, you are a mom and they are still spectacular

your tattoos

your ass, such a marvel of perfect womanhood

your perfectly shaped asshole

you DON'T have a gut

your shaved pussy is porn quality 

Interestingly, my mind went straight to appearance and body image with this prompt, but his traversed the landscape of personality, character, actions, and appearance. He has a much broader lens to examine me with.

I probably should, too.

Something I also notice is that I gravitate to women's bodies that are like mine. It's not that I'm trying to make myself feel better. It's that I "find them attractive." All the things that I hate about my own body are the things I love about theirs. How dumb is that?

Here are a few examples...

Both women are beautiful...but get a load of miss Surrey! Not your typical beauty queen. I'm certainly not saying that Miss England is unattractive. But...I'm personally more attracted to the gal on the left. That's why it's so odd that I hold myself up to the standard of Miss England here. Why do I want to look like that, when what I think is hot...is not that at all? Bizarre.

And to conclude...me...in all my size 14 glory.

Reading in Bed (photography)

The Wife Coach - part 1 "The Ad"

Jaime scrolled down through the menu of options on the local newspaper's website, looking for the online classified ad purchasing options. It was a weird ad to post, but she'd been thinking about it for some time. After years of trying option after option, it seemed less a desperate last attempt than the smartest thing she should have done months (or even years) ago.

Kurt had been unhappy for much of their marriage. It wasn't that she was a terrible wife, but she'd turned out to be less the wife he'd hoped for and more the wife one became as a result of constant exhaustion, and insidious complacency. She'd become boring.

But Jaime was so out of the habit of being the "right" woman for Kurt, that she couldn't even remember what she'd done to catch him (and keep him) in the first place. Books and podcasts and websites just hadn't provided her the personalized "coaching" that she needed...nor the motivation to keep at it. And Kurt was so used to being disappointed by her half-hearted attempts that he no longer even seemed very receptive.

Though she felt this ad was making an odd request that was unlikely to lead to any real, good leads, the possibilities were too interesting to let the idea go without at least trying.

When the paged popped up for Jaime to type her ad, she took a drink of her coffee and titled her ad:

"Married woman seeks man to help her become a better wife."

In the text box below that, she typed her message:

"I've been married over ten years. Somewhere along the way, the spark was lost. I've read and researched myself right into a corner, but nothing I've found has really worked. These Cosmo Magazine lists and "what your man really wants" books aren't realistic and aren't working. I need help that is tailored just for me, from a man who knows what men want. What I need most are actionable directives that I can carry out on a daily basis. I need direction. I need to be told what to do. If you're the man to do it, please contact me."

She saved her ad, paid her fee, and sent her request into the internet abyss, crossing her fingers and praying that something would come of this. Somewhere, in front of another screen somewhere, there just might be a person reading her ad who would think to himself, "I know just how to help this woman."

To be continued...

P.S. For anyone who has read my blog for any length of time, you know this is the beginning of a fairly autobiographical story. I've fantasized about this sort of thing for awhile. Having another person, namely a man who "gets it" and knows just how a marriage can stagnate...maybe even a man who's been through it, to help me navigate my way back to being the creative, adventurous woman that my husband fell in love with...well, it would be amazing. The interesting thing about it being a man who's been through it...or is going through it...is that he'd be able to tell me just what he wishes his own wife would do (or have done)...those realistic things that husbands would love for their wives to know, but rarely tell them. I get a lot of this sort of information by reading blogs written by married men in unfulfilling marriages. But, those are glimpses. And what I'd love is a daily dose of inspiration and direction from a guy like this. I imagine one of two types of guys (or both!). A Dominant, who guides me as a submissive. Or a regular Joe who just wants to be heard and share his desires and needs with someone who will listen. In fact, I could see it becoming like a backwards advice column, where men simply email me their suggestions and ideas. 

Hmmm...

Monogamy

So I had a bad weekend. My mood dropped dramatically, and I found myself fighting to stay afloat in my head. I'll be okay...don't worry. I have times like this. Depression never fully goes away, and I often feel like I'm just a few steps ahead of the demon.

Both hubby and I deal with it, so we take care of each other when the monsters come to call.

That's one of the things I love most about my marriage. How we take care of each other.

But that's not what I want to write about today. What I want to write about is monogamy. I figured it's fitting for my first "Marriage Monday" post. (I'm going to try to limit my personal experience posts to Mondays so you can expect them and either wait for them with baited breath because you're totally interested in my boring little life, or you can avoid them if you're tired of hearing me complain and rant and process all the failures and successes of my marriage. I also have so much other writing I like to do, this will force me to keep to a doable "check in on the state of my life/marriage" writing schedule.)

So I had sort of an existential crisis this weekend.

I read tons of blogs and websites each week, not only for fun, but research. Somehow, I headed down a particular rabbit hole...oh wait...I know exactly how I got there--I was reading a twitter post from Jack (Frisky in the 916) that discussed explaining poly terminology to someone who didn't know much about it. The two words he listed were "compersion" and "NRE." I asked my husband, who was on the couch beside me, what those two words meant. He didn't know either. So, I looked them up, and I read the definitions to my husband. Of course, just mentioning these topics caused a cloud to send barely visible shadows across his face, but I certainly felt the room drop in temperature a 10th of a degree. I'm perceptive to his mood shifts, and the mere mention of polyamory sent the corners of his mouth downward a bit.

See, Mr. D is likely polyamorous. I, however, am not.

Now, I don't know as much as I probably should about polyamory. But, years ago, when Mr. D expressed an interest and told me that he'd like to date another woman, I figured I had better educate myself.

(Side note: Mr. D's parents were in a poly relationship for years. I knew this when I started dating him. I did not, however, know that he was interested in polyamory for himself until well into our marriage. I'm not sure he did, either. We all change and evolve. And I think some of our problems with sexual compatibility gave him the idea to fulfill his needs in ways that he felt would not require much from me, other than acceptance. He wanted to explore domination in a much deeper way than I was ready for, so he wanted to have a sub who was separate from our relationship. But, because of the kind of guy he is, he knew this would likely turn into a romantic relationship, as well. He was open to that. It terrified the hell out of me. Eventually, it fell apart, in epic fashion. A story for another day...)

(Side note 2: Mr. D is a bit socially awkward...but he's never awkward in the bedroom. He has quite a bit of sexual power and prowess and knows how to please a woman. I think that makes him feel confident. Because he doesn't have many friends that he hangs out with, I think polyamory would also be a way to build a relationship with someone other than me. As it stands, he relies on me to be everything to him, which is part of what depresses him. I can't be everything. And I don't like everything he likes. This leaves him feeling lonely. But honestly, he's sort of an odd duck - which is what I love about it him. It does make it hard for him to make friends, though. I'm an odd duck, too, which is why we fit together so well. But, expecting one person to be friend, lover, partner, etc. isn't fair. I think if he had friends to go do stuff with - away from me, he'd be happier and more fulfilled. I also think he'd be happier if he worked out and did more to curb his depression. But, of course, I have no control over that. I don't feel that polyamory is going to fix his situation, but it will likely make him feel more confident, less bored, and more worthy.)

I've read several books (mainly memoirs to help me understand who and what and where and why and how this works for people). Theoretically, it would work for us. Except...that I'm not polyamorous. Nor do I ever want to be. And it kind of aggravates me when people ask me why or try to convince me that, if I'd just relax and come to terms with my jealousy issues I'd realize that...I'm wrong. About everything.

You see, after many conversations, several films, TV shows, and book, and much searching on the internets, I have come to believe that a large portion of our society not only believes that monogamy is dead (or dying), but that it also goes against human nature. And don't get me wrong...many of the arguments against it are valid. But, I also worry that, like so much else in modern society, relationships have become "throw-away" commodities. It's a huge can of worms, and I'm not trying to start a riot, but I think there are benefits to monogamy. Just as there are benefits to polyamory.

Maybe I'm just sensitive, but it feels like being "vanilla" is no longer acceptable. I feel that I'm being told (by media and the blogging world) that if I'm not kinky or poly I'm just not open-minded enough. And if I'd just open my mind more and relax, I'd see that all of us are just trying to fit ourselves into some socially constructed box...and none of us could possibly devote ourselves to one person for life and be happy.

Accept that...some of us can...and want to. Even if it's just because that is the way we were raised. I don't feel like I should always have to explain WHY I want something. Why can't it just be because I like it? Except...I'll be honest...I don't really like my marriage the way it is. I like the concept of monogamy...the ideal. I'd like it if I weren't the only one in my marriage who wanted it.

Maybe it's simply having the option that caused our problems. Like a Chinese menu with too many possibilities, if we'd just kept Pandora's Box closed...

If we'd just...

If...

Sorry for the rather stream-of-consciousness post. I'm not sure exactly how to write about this. I feel that monogamy gets a bad reputation. And I feel that, like the prudish girl with glasses who sits alone at lunch with a book, it can be a lot deeper and expansive than one might think. Maybe it's just the world I live and write in that makes me feel that monogamy us under attack. And maybe I'm taking things too personally. But, I get a lot of advice that sounds much like "just let him have a girlfriend, and you'll be happier" or "go your separate ways and find people who want what you want" or "if you got a boyfriend of your own, you'd see what all the fuss was about."

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want him to have a girlfriend. And I don't want us to go our separate ways.

He would love for me to have a boyfriend. He would love to have a girlfriend. Does that make him a better person? Because I sort of feel like that's what people are telling me: he's so much more selfless because he wants me to be happy, polyamory is social evolution, and I'm a selfish bitch because I'm controlling and jealous and unwilling to let him be free in our marriage.

(If you love something, set it free...)

It'd be one thing, if all of these things had been discussed before we got married. But they weren't. Not openly. Sure there were probably a few veiled suggestions, but nothing like, "So, hey, when and if we get married, this is what I want it to be like..."

I get that we change. And I understand that this is now where we are. I'm just not sure how to adapt, because let's be honest...if anyone is adapting, it's me. He won't adapt; he'll martyr himself and make sure I'm aware that he is martyring himself. He won't be shitty about it...rub it in my face. But I'll know that he's unhappy and that he is choosing to be unhappy to stay in our marriage, because he...like me...is unwilling to give it up. There is too much that is good about us, despite my complaints. I probably don't write enough about what is good, which leads readers to think, What the fuck...why don't they just go their separate ways...they're both unhappy?

My gut says that I have no choice but to leave or let him be free in our marriage. And neither of those options make me feel good.

And btw...I'm sure I've managed to offend someone here...either with my ignorance or with my dissatisfaction. It's not my intention to judge anyone else's relationship. I've had so many people over the years tell me just to drink the Koolaid and I'll be happier. Maybe that's true. I know I've certainly tried to make my brain and heart accept another person into our mix, if only to make him happier. And maybe that is the best solution. Something...or someone...is going to have to give.

Some interesting resources:

Wide Open (memoir) - I read this one a long time ago...but it was interesting, and I'd suggest it for anyone interested in exploring a poly relationship.

NPR - Polyamorous Polysaturation - sort of gets at the phenomenon I see happening in the media right now...

Monogamy is Dead - not a book I've read...but one I am interested in reading...

Monogamy exists in nature - not a real long list, but it goes to show that, just like everything else, there is something in nature that substantiates it as "normal"...or at least not "odd" or "wrong"...

Sex at Dawn (book) - I have a love/hate relationship with this book. It's well-written and interesting, but...

Blue

Picasso, 1902 "Blue Nude"

So last night when we went to bed, Mr. D told me to turn on the lamp and roll over on my belly. He handcuffed and blindfolded me and began rummaging through the toy drawer (which is currently nearly empty). I was excited and happy that he was trying something new...well, not necessarily new, but different from the current status quo. It felt good for him to take control of me.

I heard the tell-tale sound my trusty blue vibrating dildo and welcomed its touch between my legs. I spread my legs and pressed my face into my pillow, pushing against the buzz with my clit. He laid it on the bed where I could move against it on my own, and he rummaged again. He spread my ass cheeks apart and dabbed a bit of lube, which made me expect anal, but instead, he inserted something small and cool. It began to vibrate, and the sensation of the two vibrations was intoxicating. 

But, suddenly, there was a subtle, growing, unpleasant tightening inside, as my sphincter began to close around the vibration. The feeling intensified, and if felt as if I were being shocked from the inside.

"Are you shocking my asshole?" I asked, incredulously.

True Colors (photography)

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo editing

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body.

Feb. 22-28 - ???

We are all made of so many colors. There are days when I feel black...dark...a void of too many or not enough color. Other days, I feel neon or pastel or vibrantly primary. Mostly, I feel like a rainbow, a bit of every color joined to create a swirling mix of complexity.

My marriage is similar.

Some days it seems like a watercolor with too much water, washed out and tired, soaking the paper to soggy bits. Other days, it seems like fire, licking reds and oranges. Most often, it is a soft shade of gray or blue, comfortable and inviting.

Irony

For years I have waded through life and marriage like I would live forever and would eventually get to the things that mattered. I've often focused on all the wrong things...all the things that didn't matter much, if at all - things like making the house neat and checking off all of the crap on my to do list. And to make it shittier, all of that poorly focused energy made me irritable and crabby and tired. I took a lot on myself, because I'm a control freak. And then I'd be bitter and angry that I had to do everything. I was stressed out...and pissed off.

In many ways, I think I sabotaged my own sex drive. And I definitely did little to really improve my mental health or my relationships...with anyone in my life.

The irony is, I put aside what mattered for so long, that now I want it, it doesn't really want me back. I have spent so many years saying "Later," "Maybe tomorrow," "I don't really feel like it right now," and "I'm tired," that many of my friends have stopped asking me to do things and my husband has stopped trying. We spent so many years with him wanting me and me being to tired to care that now that I want him, he's to tired to care.

More recently, I've been coming to terms with all of this...realizing that even though I've made some poor decisions about my priorities in the past, it doesn't mean I need to continue.

I'm tired of looking back

I've come to notice that I spend a lot of time looking back and planning forward, when what I ought to be doing most is living in the present.

Over the past several weeks, as I've redesigned my blog, I have found myself falling into my old tendencies, drawing from past hurts and reviewing what didn't work in my marriage. I want to be honest, and I know that backstory is important when creating a narrative. But, I'm tired of digging through the past. What I have noticed is that I tend to write when I am confused, angry, hurt, afraid, depressed, and sad. I use my writing to find order, peace, answers, and solace. But looking back at this writing only stirs up shit that is best left tucked away in a drawer or a computer file. When I sift through it, I become a bleak anthropologist...losing my way in all the disjointed fragments and stories, focusing on the broken and dysfunctional rather than the beautiful.

Month in review: marriage, health, and writing

Well, it is the end of January, and it's time to take stock of where I've been and where I'm going. As decided at the beginning of the year, my major goal areas this year are marriage, writing, and health. Within each of those areas, I've chosen ONE THING that will improve it: fucking, blogging, and running. So, here's my reflection.

MARRIAGE:

I started out this month with the smaller step of showing sexual initiative. I'd give myself a failing grade on this. But, I'd also say that hasn't been all my fault. During the first week of January, Mr. D sprained his ankle on the job. Then he was gone the second week for business. We had sex the day he left, and it was good, but it felt sort of "mandatory." I sent him dirty stories each night he was gone in an attempt to "make an effort." He didn't acknowledge that I'd sent them until he got back...and then it was just a mention that "I got your stories" with an appreciative smile, like I'd ironed his shirt or picked up his laundry.

When he got back, he was tired and sick. I let him have a day to just rest, but I was sad that he didn't come home with any apparent desire for me. We had sex again, when he returned, but I suspect it was only because I pouted and cried and made him feel guilty. I suppose I should have handled it differently, but I've been emotionally fragile all month and just didn't feel strong enough to take control.

He's also been run-down and tired all month, and his libido has been on hiatus since the end of last year. At the beginning of the month, he stated that maybe he didn't want to try and bring it back, because his high libido vs my low libido seemed, to him, to be at the center of all our problems. The thing is...just because I have a lower libido doesn't mean I never want sex. Anyhow, he started to taking several supplements to improve his libido. It's a step, but I feel the bigger issues that are the root cause of his lagging sex drive (lack of exercise, depression, weight, and unhappiness with our "boring" sex life) are not being dealt with. This isn't something I have control over. He's got to decide to deal with them. But it's hard to sit on the sidelines and feel helpless about it. It doesn't appear that he wants my encouragement. He doesn't want me to say anything about it. He knows what his problems are, and he'll deal with it (or won't) when he's emotionally ready.

The third week of January, I got sick. So, I certainly wasn't in the mood. I didn't go to work, and I basically just slept and read.

Then my cat died. She was 19, and it wasn't a surprise, but it hit me hard.


Now we are in the final week of January, and I don't feel like I initiated anything. I also don't feel like he initiated anything, which isn't making me feel very good, either. Last night, after a few glasses of wine, I let him know that I'm feeling pretty detached from him. He spends a lot of time on his phone or his computer or playing video games, and very little time focusing on me. I think it's how he insulates himself from disappointment. Don't get me wrong...we spend time together and we laugh, he cooks dinner most nights, we kiss goodbye in the morning, we say I love you, and he puts his arm around me in bed at night. Our relationship isn't complete shit.

We've had sex four times this month, none of them because of my initiative. So, I'm sticking with "initiative" as a continuing theme, rather than for just a month. I obviously need more time to work on this. 

WRITING:

Illness both helped and hurt my writing this month. It gave me more time to write, but it also robbed me of motivation. I did a decent job of keeping up with memes the first and second week of the month, but the third and forth weeks were tougher. With the Smut Marathon coming up, I'm also feeling as if picking and choosing is going to be necessary.

I'm giving myself permission to simply write when I have time and when I feel inspired. I chose to spend time with my family some nights instead of write, and I chose to rest on some days instead of write. Writing is important, but there are things that are bigger priorities. I've struggled to find enough time to write. I moved my workout to the morning before work, and I've whittled down pretty much everything else in my schedule, too. But even with that, I usually don't get around to writing until 7 or 8. And sometimes, I'll be honest, I'm just too tired to care much.

I'd give myself a B- in this area. I feel I have gotten myself back in the habit, and I'm committed to my blog enough to write every day or every few days. I'm good with that.

HEALTH:

I started out the month with a program called Metabolic Aftershock. Mainly, I like the idea that it only takes 15 minutes. But, I really dislike working out, and I decided that I have to start with something I hate less. I went back to Zombies, Run! and am just walking on the treadmill. I also started doing it right away in the morning, before I am conscious enough to talk myself out of it. It starts my day more actively and I usually feel more energetic when I leave the house. It's nice to get it out of the way early so I don't have to worry about it later in the day. Next week, I'll be adding in the Zombies, Run! 5K training...then the 10k training. My goal right now is do a run in May with my son, and then a 1/2 marathon (walk/run/jog) in June. I'll figure something else out then.

I'm not worrying about any other exercise right now (other than yoga...because I love that and have no trouble motivating myself to do it...and getting my 10,000 steps in M-F). I know that strength training is important, but I'd rather focus on a type of exercise I'm willing to do.

Diet is also secondary to me right now. I am keeping track of my diet, alcohol intake, water, and sleep, but the aren't the focus.

Last week was my best week. Being on the treadmill every morning meant that I made my 3 mile/per day goal every day, for a total of over 17 miles.I hit my "active minutes" goal and "calories burnt" goal every day. I did not meet my sleep goal (not even one day), and I failed to meet my water intake goal, as well.

My ONE major focus for now is getting up every morning, Monday through Friday, and getting on that damned treadmill.

So, all-in-all, it wasn't a terrible month. There's always room for improvement...that's the whole point of having goals. And failure isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's a way to learn and grow. What I mainly ended up doing was simplifying.

**My mornings are no longer filled with yoga and planning and journaling and prayer and meditation. I had to compromise and prioritize, which meant trading all of those things in on ONE THING...getting on the treadmill.

**My marriage, though far from perfect, isn't dead - or even dying. But it needs a healthy infusion of initiative on my part. I figure if I want romance, and intimacy, and sex, I'm going to have to show him I want it, when I want it, and how I want it. I also have to do the things I know he likes and wants.

**And finally, I realized that I can only write so much or so often, and that, as my third priority, it comes after my family and after my health. I'll be here when I can. I know that I often hold myself up against others and can be overly-critical. I see others blogging daily, keeping up on social media, publishing, etc. But, I only have so many hours in the day. With a full-time job on top of it all, I only have so much of myself to give to my writing. Once the Smut Marathon begins, that will be my focus as long as I can stay in it. Daily blog posts and writing for my favorite memes will likely happen less often. Such is life, right?

January wasn't a flop. I'm still married. I love my husband. He loves me. Everyone is alive and in one piece. Success is relative.

What I liked & hated about "swinging"

Several years ago, I wrote these two posts for my Lustful Literate blog. Mr. D and I have steered clear of any non-monogamy for quite awhile now. As we were/are having too many issues of our own, it seemed unwise to continue pursuing ANYTHING outside of the marriage.

I must admit that I see a different me in these posts. A freer, more open version of myself. I wonder if I was really being honest with myself and my readers or if I was trying to be the good wife that I wanted my husband to see. He was likely my most loyal reader at the time. It's part of the reason that I created this new blog. He doesn't know the address (though I'm sure it wouldn't take a lot of work for him to find it). He respects my need to do this without his watchful eye. And he understands that the nature of confessional writing is that I will divulge personal feelings and information that could make him uncomfortable or even angry. As such, I truly believe he is leaving me to this. I've thought a few times about the secrecy entailed in this venture - whether or not I feel comfortable keeping things from him or if I should just own up, be brutally honest, and let the cards fall where they may. What I've decided, for now, is that it is better to keep this from him. Our relationship is not completely solid. His self-esteem is not stable. And our future is not secure. We are both trying. We both love each other. And I think we are better off not adding any drama or complication to the mix.

Anyhow...here you go. These posts are a bit edited to ensure they make sense in the now, but I have linked to the originals.

Baggage

I looked at this week's Wicked Wednesday prompt (Suitcases) and thought and thought about what kind of post I might do. Much like last week, I've sort of found myself at a creative loss. I don't know if that is because I've been sick, grieving, depressed, or just plain uninspired. Most likely, it's a combination of all...and then some.

I did receive a few emails from a reader, however, that have guided me to a related topic. Suitcases are a type of baggage, right? And we all have that...some of us a little more than others. This reader asked a few questions, made a few connections, and has inspired me to provide a bit more historical background on my marital situation, for those who need it or are interested.

Could someone PLEASE make me these socks...
and a matching sweater?

Hang on...let me grab a drink and some fuzzy socks - this might take awhile.

Alright, so I'm digging through several journals, files, and old blog entries to find a few bits and pieces to assemble this post. Bare with me, as this might feel a bit scattered.

I found a journal entry from February 2017 that lays out the "problems" of our marriage, as I saw them at the time (and still do, really):

Problem #1: Mr. D feels he is lacking something from me. My intermittent, yet long-problematic waning desire/low libido makes him feel unwanted, which, in turn, greatly affects his sense of self-worth. I understand that, after lots of counseling, I cannot MAKE him feel any particular way...he does that to himself. But I DO understand that when your spouse used to want you all the time and now does not want you all the time, it is likely to do a number on your self-esteem. Mr. D likens it to a roller coaster that he has been on for years. At first, the ups and downs were intense and close together. Now, the ups and downs are less intense, but the downs drag on much longer than they used to. Part of this in in direct correlation with our bouts of depression and my "highs." My bipolar highs worked in his favor early in our relationship (sexual promiscuity and high sex drive), but after childbirth, my libido dropped and my highs and lows evened out more over time. My decreased desire had more to do with my own chemistry than with anything he was or wasn't doing.

And could someone please send me these, as well?
I'm missing the one that I handed over to the other side last week.

Problem #2: Mr. D feels he is lacking something he can't get from me...he says he needs to feel wanted in more ways than can be accomplished by just me.  He gets restless and bored and craves the "newness" of the unknown and the unattainable. He feels he needs the interaction of other women...women who are married, grounded, and very much in love with their own mates...and are therefore not a threat to our own marriage. His need has developed into an interest in polyamory. I do not want or need the same thing, so this causes a lot of contention in our marriage. It's probably important to note that his parents were/are polyamorous, and I come from a very traditional background. Both of our parents are still married, and have been for over 40 years. It's hard when there is nothing wrong with what either of us wants...we just want different things. It'd be easy if we didn't want each other, but neither of us wants to give up our marriage, we both really want to figure out a way to make our marriage work, which means completely redefining it for ourselves in a way that works for us, not anyone else. We just haven't figured out how to do that yet.

Problem #3: Mr. D feels sorry for wanting what he does. I don't think he should feel sorry or that he should want to or feel that he needs to change to accommodate me. Nor do I feel I should feel sorry for not wanting what he does, nor should I have to change who I am to accommodate him. However, marriage is a great compromise that relies on two people making changes to assure the comfort and happiness of the other. So there's that. Not to mention that I don't want him to resent me for not letting him be sexually adventurous...and he doesn't want me to resent him for encouraging me to explore in ways I don't want to go; however, it's not at all my intention to ask him to deny his desires...which I feel are completely natural. Therein lies the main conundrum. 

And, not to be needy, but could someone also make me this?

Problem #4: Mr. D feels I've changed (and that he has not)...that I'm not the woman he fell in love with in a few regards. I can agree with that to some degree...but it doesn't keep me from feeling a bit defensive - as my chemistry has naturally changed - in response to having a child, aging, and having had a partial hysterectomy...and my foci have changed. Sex has just lost some of its importance for me...while it hasn't at all for Mr. D (until just recently when his libido took a nose-dive). I think this is a common problem for men and women...but I'm not using it as an excuse, be assured.

Here's a journal entry from 2015:

So last night, he listed all of the things I have done to cause him hurt. And I have to say, by the time he was done, I felt like I'd been dragged through the fire. It's not like anything he said wasn't true, but hearing it all in one litany of complaints was a bit overwhelming. And then, of course, I was left speechless. What was I going to say but "I'm sorry"? So not only was I left feeling like I was a shitty wife...shitty person in general, really...but I was left feeling like there was nothing I could do about it.

I'm going to recreate the list, best as I can remember, here...so I can "think about it," as he said...

1. he's still angry that I made such a big deal about his going to AA and that I said the only thing we have in common is alcohol

2. he feels I try to take all his time, so he can't work out or do anything to better himself

3. he feels I don't want to do anything social, but I don't want him to do anything with anyone else either

4. he wants someone to want him, whether it's me or someone else, and he can't figure out why I'm so against him having someone on the side

5. he remembers things I have said during fights that have hurt him 

6. he feels I'm not who I was when he married me...that he married someone who was social and liked sex and now he has a wife who is super introverted and has no sex drive

7. he says he feels like he's at the mercy of my sexual desires and that mine are always met while his are not

8. he doesn't trust me because I say I'll do things and then I don't follow through...which has happened several times

9. he says I treat him like I want to be treated rather than how he needs to be treated

Basically, I got that he's severely depressed with our marriage because he feels trapped. And I get that. He's right. And I told him so. But, I still felt at a loss because the way he states it is he doesn't trust me, and that it all lies on my shoulders. He even said he's given me so many opportunities to fix it that if he does it again, it'll only be once. No pressure, right?

So, I guess we're at the end of the rope. And the only choice I have is to address all of his upsets. But, I have no idea how to go about it. When he's mad at me, how am I supposed to begin? I don't even know where to start. And he seems to think I should have a plan. 

And then tuck me in with a cup of tea and a good book?

I wish it were that easy. 

The other hard part of the conversation was that he wants me to want sex in the way he wants it, but even if I don't, simply trying to meet his needs isn't enough. He feels like that is capitulating. And he doesn't want that. So we're back to... "just want me." I wish I could...on a regular basis and in the way he needs. I wish I were more creative and less jealous and just a better wife all around. Because right now, I feel like a shit wife. And I feel like our whole marriage has just been a joke, even though we've had lots of good times (in my opinion). In his, though, without the sex life being healthy, none of it has been really all that good...because that overshadows everything. It's the way he connects to me, so without it, he's not felt connected to me - for years.

And I don't know how to fix it. So what IS my plan? And how do I sustain it? Cause honestly, I don't have a lot of faith in myself to sustain. I get his mistrust. How do I do it? What do I do?

He wanted me to write down his resentments and get a new counselor. So, I guess I'll start there. 

And then I've got to find a way to meet his needs and put them first on a regular basis:

1. be more consistent with sex

2. be more creative and open with sex

3. encourage his social life

4. go with him and be social and find a way to like it

5. provide him a way to work out and help with dinner so he has time

6. help him keep the alcohol out of the house and support him if he wants to quit

7. allow him to lead our sex life and his own

8. accept that I am introverted and not feel like I have to be a part of everything he does and that he should be free to go out with anyone he wants, whenever he wants, for however long (which I don't really agree with, because I wouldn't do that to him, but he seems to think that should be okay - although, I don't think he'd like it if I did it - just up and said, "I'm going out and I don't know when I'll be back, see ya!")

Basically, I apparently need to have my own life and he needs to have his and we need to merge them socially, sexually, and as parents and homeowners on a regular enough basis to stay connected. 

It seems like a daunting task and I'm not sure how to approach it. But he says it's my obligation now. 

It's depressing, really. Because I don't feel like I'm the only reason we're here now, and the sex stuff isn't necessarily within my control. And when I say I'm willing to try, it seems like trying isn't enough. If I don't actually feel the desire, whatever I try is going to be less than what he wants. Because he wants me to want it, too.

I don't know if I can do this.

A bit more background for those who want it:

My husband and I met on the internet through a small town "personals" group much like match.com. We were the only two people under the age of 40 without kids, so I think it just sort of "happened." I will admit, however, that when I saw him, it was pretty much lust at first site. 

He was your atypical bad boy. He was a mechanic who built hot rods and wore sideburns, a beat up cowboy hat, tattoos, white t-shirts and faded jeans. He rode a motorcycle and had a rottweiler and a scorpion for pets. He lived in a double-wide trailer. He was blue collar with a brilliant vocabulary, a good work ethic, and a soft heart.

Me? I was a college-educated, middle class, military brat with big plans and traditional expectations. At 27, I wanted to stop fucking around, get married, have 2.5 kids, buy a nice house with a two-car garage, a yard, and a dog, and vacation in the tropics every other year.

Neither of us made our dreams a secret. We thought we had enough in common (the pursuit of knowledge, commitment), along with an intense sexual attraction, to make things work. 

But, our sexual wants and needs HAVE changed since we first met. I miscarried our first child. And, while our second was born healthy, it was not without complication. I had a placenta accreta, which is not common in pregnancies where a c-section has not already been performed in the past. I ended up being treated with anti-cancer medication, hoping the placenta would "let go." But it didn't, and I was forced to accept an emergency hysterectomy. I was pretty much devastated. And it took me months to heal and actually feel sexual pleasure of any sort. 

The baby was born in September, but by January, my sex-starved husband was offering up his own solutions. He suggested "swinging" to bring adventure back into the bedroom and to possibly help with my self-esteem issues over my new mom body. I did some research, at his behest, and we decided to try it. 

I'm not saying it was all bad, because it wasn't. I can admit that I have bisexual tendencies. And I had a few really good experiences. But, overall, swinging worked much more favorably for him, and left me feeling mainly disappointed. See my upcoming Throwback Thursday post for more on that subject.

But, once a fruit has been tasted, it is hard not to remember its appeal. For Mr. D, it was bitter indeed to give up that sweet freedom and adventure. At the time, I thought it might be my jealousy that was the problem, but I was never jealous seeing him fuck other women. I was simply upset over my own situation, which was usually a bunch of rather disappointing men who cared more about what their wives were doing that whether or not I was having a good time. Call me selfish, but it got in the way of my enjoyment of the whole thing.

So, I began to close off from it. And Mr. D became frustrated with my lack of interest. We tried going at it from a different angle...letting him play while I stayed out of it. But that didn't work, either...partially because I was jealous and partially because he just wanted me involved. 

I've also had a substantial amount of trouble both with my bipolar disorder and my low libido. I've gone to counselors, nurses, doctors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, naturopaths...and I've read several books and done lots of research of my own. What I've learned is that a loss of libido over time, for women especially, is natural and unavoidable for many. Regardless of exercise, mental health, diet, sleep, etc., I may likely never find the sex drive I had when I was 27. And I can't feel guilty for that. I shouldn't. But I DO owe him the attempt at being at least somewhat sexual. I owe MYSELF that attempt, too. So there's that. And he owes me the attempt at being content in a monogamous relationship...because that is what I signed up for.  It's probably also important to note that I do my fair share of the housework and child-raising and that I also have a job that involves a heavy dose of fulfilling the needs and wants of others all day. It doesn't excuse my putting him second to my work, but it does explain my exhaustion when I get home and my preference for a blanket and a book over social endeavors. I've always been an introvert who performs the role of an extrovert well. And he's an extrovert trapped in an introvert's body.

As you can see, we have hit a wall or two in our search for a compromise that works for us both. By definition, a compromise means that both parties are giving up something to avoid conflict and to gain something in the process, and up to this point, neither of us has been able to give up just the right thing to feel that sufficient mutual gain has been attained. Hence...no compromise.

I'd love to be "enough" for my husband, but I understand the social construct of monogamy is just that...a social construct. However, it's a social construct that I want and one that he has grown weary of. So how do we make both of us happy? 

Maybe we can't. 

In the long run, I don't know for sure if we will make it. I hope that we do, because I love him. But, I also realize that when two people are involved, there are variables that one person does not have control over. I cannot MAKE him happy or unhappy. I cannot improve his self-esteem, as he cannot improve mine. But I CAN and SHOULD make him a priority. That's what I'm working on right now, even though illness and absence have made this month difficult for both of us. 

It's a process. Marriage is a journey.

And for tonight, that is where I am going to leave it...muddied and chaotic, like a pile of dirty clothes dumped on the floor from a suitcase that has gone on a rather mundane trip through a modern-day marriage.

P.S. My reader also asked if I had ever had an affair. No...I have not and would not. My husband admitted to trying, but also admitted that he could't bring himself to do it. Not only did he love me too much, but he felt a moral obligation to his promise of fidelity. We are not cheaters. We are simply two people trying desperately to find a middle ground as we fight our own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health demons.