Saturday, January 27, 2018

Month in review: marriage, health, and writing

Well, it is the end of January, and it's time to take stock of where I've been and where I'm going. As decided at the beginning of the year, my major goal areas this year are marriage, writing, and health. Within each of those areas, I've chosen ONE THING that will improve it: fucking, blogging, and running. So, here's my reflection.


I started out this month with the smaller step of showing sexual initiative. I'd give myself a failing grade on this. But, I'd also say that hasn't been all my fault. During the first week of January, Mr. D sprained his ankle on the job. Then he was gone the second week for business. We had sex the day he left, and it was good, but it felt sort of "mandatory." I sent him dirty stories each night he was gone in an attempt to "make an effort." He didn't acknowledge that I'd sent them until he got back...and then it was just a mention that "I got your stories" with an appreciative smile, like I'd ironed his shirt or picked up his laundry.

When he got back, he was tired and sick. I let him have a day to just rest, but I was sad that he didn't come home with any apparent desire for me. We had sex again, when he returned, but I suspect it was only because I pouted and cried and made him feel guilty. I suppose I should have handled it differently, but I've been emotionally fragile all month and just didn't feel strong enough to take control.

He's also been run-down and tired all month, and his libido has been on hiatus since the end of last year. At the beginning of the month, he stated that maybe he didn't want to try and bring it back, because his high libido vs my low libido seemed, to him, to be at the center of all our problems. The thing is...just because I have a lower libido doesn't mean I never want sex. Anyhow, he started to taking several supplements to improve his libido. It's a step, but I feel the bigger issues that are the root cause of his lagging sex drive (lack of exercise, depression, weight, and unhappiness with our "boring" sex life) are not being dealt with. This isn't something I have control over. He's got to decide to deal with them. But it's hard to sit on the sidelines and feel helpless about it. It doesn't appear that he wants my encouragement. He doesn't want me to say anything about it. He knows what his problems are, and he'll deal with it (or won't) when he's emotionally ready.

The third week of January, I got sick. So, I certainly wasn't in the mood. I didn't go to work, and I basically just slept and read.

Then my cat died. She was 19, and it wasn't a surprise, but it hit me hard.

Now we are in the final week of January, and I don't feel like I initiated anything. I also don't feel like he initiated anything, which isn't making me feel very good, either. Last night, after a few glasses of wine, I let him know that I'm feeling pretty detached from him. He spends a lot of time on his phone or his computer or playing video games, and very little time focusing on me. I think it's how he insulates himself from disappointment. Don't get me wrong...we spend time together and we laugh, he cooks dinner most nights, we kiss goodbye in the morning, we say I love you, and he puts his arm around me in bed at night. Our relationship isn't complete shit.

We've had sex four times this month, none of them because of my initiative. So, I'm sticking with "initiative" as a continuing theme, rather than for just a month. I obviously need more time to work on this. 


Illness both helped and hurt my writing this month. It gave me more time to write, but it also robbed me of motivation. I did a decent job of keeping up with memes the first and second week of the month, but the third and forth weeks were tougher. With the Smut Marathon coming up, I'm also feeling as if picking and choosing is going to be necessary.

I'm giving myself permission to simply write when I have time and when I feel inspired. I chose to spend time with my family some nights instead of write, and I chose to rest on some days instead of write. Writing is important, but there are things that are bigger priorities. I've struggled to find enough time to write. I moved my workout to the morning before work, and I've whittled down pretty much everything else in my schedule, too. But even with that, I usually don't get around to writing until 7 or 8. And sometimes, I'll be honest, I'm just too tired to care much.

I'd give myself a B- in this area. I feel I have gotten myself back in the habit, and I'm committed to my blog enough to write every day or every few days. I'm good with that.


I started out the month with a program called Metabolic Aftershock. Mainly, I like the idea that it only takes 15 minutes. But, I really dislike working out, and I decided that I have to start with something I hate less. I went back to Zombies, Run! and am just walking on the treadmill. I also started doing it right away in the morning, before I am conscious enough to talk myself out of it. It starts my day more actively and I usually feel more energetic when I leave the house. It's nice to get it out of the way early so I don't have to worry about it later in the day. Next week, I'll be adding in the Zombies, Run! 5K training...then the 10k training. My goal right now is do a run in May with my son, and then a 1/2 marathon (walk/run/jog) in June. I'll figure something else out then.

I'm not worrying about any other exercise right now (other than yoga...because I love that and have no trouble motivating myself to do it...and getting my 10,000 steps in M-F). I know that strength training is important, but I'd rather focus on a type of exercise I'm willing to do.

Diet is also secondary to me right now. I am keeping track of my diet, alcohol intake, water, and sleep, but the aren't the focus.

Last week was my best week. Being on the treadmill every morning meant that I made my 3 mile/per day goal every day, for a total of over 17 miles.I hit my "active minutes" goal and "calories burnt" goal every day. I did not meet my sleep goal (not even one day), and I failed to meet my water intake goal, as well.

My ONE major focus for now is getting up every morning, Monday through Friday, and getting on that damned treadmill.

So, all-in-all, it wasn't a terrible month. There's always room for improvement...that's the whole point of having goals. And failure isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's a way to learn and grow. What I mainly ended up doing was simplifying.

**My mornings are no longer filled with yoga and planning and journaling and prayer and meditation. I had to compromise and prioritize, which meant trading all of those things in on ONE THING...getting on the treadmill.

**My marriage, though far from perfect, isn't dead - or even dying. But it needs a healthy infusion of initiative on my part. I figure if I want romance, and intimacy, and sex, I'm going to have to show him I want it, when I want it, and how I want it. I also have to do the things I know he likes and wants.

**And finally, I realized that I can only write so much or so often, and that, as my third priority, it comes after my family and after my health. I'll be here when I can. I know that I often hold myself up against others and can be overly-critical. I see others blogging daily, keeping up on social media, publishing, etc. But, I only have so many hours in the day. With a full-time job on top of it all, I only have so much of myself to give to my writing. Once the Smut Marathon begins, that will be my focus as long as I can stay in it. Daily blog posts and writing for my favorite memes will likely happen less often. Such is life, right?

January wasn't a flop. I'm still married. I love my husband. He loves me. Everyone is alive and in one piece. Success is relative.

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