Sunday, January 28, 2018

I'm tired of looking back

I've come to notice that I spend a lot of time looking back and planning forward, when what I ought to be doing most is living in the present.

Over the past several weeks, as I've redesigned my blog, I have found myself falling into my old tendencies, drawing from past hurts and reviewing what didn't work in my marriage. I want to be honest, and I know that backstory is important when creating a narrative. But, I'm tired of digging through the past. What I have noticed is that I tend to write when I am confused, angry, hurt, afraid, depressed, and sad. I use my writing to find order, peace, answers, and solace. But looking back at this writing only stirs up shit that is best left tucked away in a drawer or a computer file. When I sift through it, I become a bleak anthropologist...losing my way in all the disjointed fragments and stories, focusing on the broken and dysfunctional rather than the beautiful.

Trying to put the pieces together to create an accurate picture of where my love story began and where it has been is not helping me feel better, nor is it helping me get to where I want to go.

My love story is not perfect. But it IS a love story. There is love. There is so much love.

I'm tired of looking back. I know what is there, both good and bad, all too well. I have lived every second, fully. I have analyzed it to death.

My marriage has not been perfect. We've messed a lot of things up with each other and for each other. But we have loved each other fiercely through it all. We have clung to one another and supported each other and fought for each other. We have hurt each other and fought and left scars. But we are still here. We are still holding on.

So, I'm letting the past go. It isn't the same as forgetting. None of what has happened can or should ever be forgotten. But what can be forgiven has been. Nothing behind me can be changed. And nothing ahead of me will be different if I keep looking back, dwelling on what hasn't worked, on my guilt, on my resentments, on my fears.

Likewise, looking forward and planning are necessary and beneficial, but living in the now is what will impact my life the most positively. Planning to initiate, planning to seduce, planning to do something lovely for my husband...all of it is just that - planning. And planning is worthless if I never get around to doing it.

No comments: