Fitness Friday - Confessions Edition (depressing, to say the least)

I weigh 200 pounds. 

There. 

I was going to get to that later, but I figured, it's the thing that's raging my brain and making me crazy right now...it's the thing that makes me want to climb right back in bed, pull the covers over my head and just go back to sleep. 

Two hundred pounds. Two HUNDRED pounds. TWO HUNDRED pounds. 

Fuck.

So, let's get the excuses out of the way. I've been basically bed-ridden all week. I did go to work yesterday...AND yoga, finally...but the rest of the week, my ass has been parked.

I don't feel I've been eating any more than usual, but then, maybe my lack of awareness is part of the problem. I used to track everything I ate (using MyFitnessPal - which is a great app, BTW). Then I gave it up, because I didn't notice it helping me lose any weight. Awareness doesn't seem to fix the problem for me. Because awareness, alone, is not the same as motivation, and it doesn't motivate me to behave in ways I know will actually fix the problem...which is simply to move more and eat differently.

So, I'm frustrated.

I hate working out.

But, I hate being fat.

I guess I have to figure out which I hate more, yes?

Okay, stream-of-consciousness regrouping: rather than slipping back into bed and burying myself to avoid the problem (can't do that anyway...gotta go to work), I have no other choice than simply try again. I'm great at planning my strategy when it comes to fitness and health, but I'm terrible at following through. This can be seen in my plan of 3 workouts per week, which, so far this month, has only amounted to 3 workouts total. That is obviously not enough. I'm going to have to do something different. I hate working out so bad, but I'm going to have to find just enough willpower to create a daily habit. Yes, people, it's gonna have to be daily. And it's gonna have to be simple. 

Also, alcohol calories are killing me here. 

I drink too much.

The honesty is brutal here, guys. I'm 200 pounds and I drink too much. That sentence kind of makes me sick. So, I think I'm just going to leave that right there...and let it soak in. Admitting it feels good in a painful sort of way.

I sit on my ass too much...writing and reading. 

But, I love those things sooooo much.

New plan -

1. Treadmill daily, just to establish a simple habit of cardio.

(I'm going to have to start doing this in the morning - and I fucking HATE that - not only because I hate working out, but because it cuts into my normal relaxing/spiritual morning routine...but I think I am too unmotivated after work, and fitness is competing with too many things in the evening - like writing, errands, chores, family, reading, and time with Mr.D - I need to build a new attitude around working out. The fact that I so openly despise it is not helping matters at all.)

2. Start tracking food again, to see where I am going wrong.

3. Keep going to yoga class.

4. And of course...drink plenty of water and get more sleep (two more things that, I'm sure, help to keep the weight on, since I don't get enough of either).

5. Control alcohol intake.

Fuck me. Friday is off to a fabulous fucking start.