Apology

I'm home from work - taking a "wellness day"...as Mr. D had me up late into the night discussing the sad state of our affairs.

A few days ago, I told you that he was considering a separation after the holidays (he doesn't want to ruin our kid's Christmas by announcing that mommy and daddy are on the outs). Last night, he told me that he wants no physical contact...but he wants me to figure out a plan or a solution. I let him know that this was much like telling me to head out on the field to play football without giving me any of the gear...or the ball...or, for that matter, a team.

I'm so frustrated right now that I can hardly remain upright. He's got me in a corner. He wants me to have never committed any of the "sins" I have committed...which can't be taken back.

He said that he is broken. That I have broken him. That he doesn't believe I will do anything to change.

I asked him what he expects me to do with this.

He said, "Fix it."

I asked how.

He told me to figure it out.

And I lay awake for hours, crying, trying to "figure it out" without touching him. I have to prove that I want him, that I'm committed. As he said, I have to be willing to work harder than I ever have before to prove to him that I want to be with him, knowing that none of what I do may work anyway. He may be too far gone to bring back. He told me it may not be worth it to me.

The prospects set before me are grim. And the ultimatum is heavy.

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm holding on by a very thin string.

I know that I haven't been the perfect wife. I've screwed up in numerous ways. I've hurt him  irrevocably. But, I am not the only one in this relationship. And I am not the only one who has brought us to this place. I guess I sort of resent that he is putting it all on me. But, it does no good to say so. In fact, I feel I can do nothing really besides listen, apologize, and let the cards fall where they may. This is not the time for pointing out his faults.

My only course of action, as I see it today, is simply to be there for him in the capacity that he is allowing. To show that I am not just letting go and giving up. My presence must be the proof that I am willing to do what it takes to save our relationship. Because, from what I can tell, that's what he's waiting to see - whether or not I will fight for him. And I don't think he believes I will.

It would be easier not to. And, in the end, it may be more humane to both of our hearts to walk away from this.

But for now, I will stand my ground. I'm not ready to give up. I still have fight left in me.

Today, I will accept my part in this mess. I will not blame or deflect or point out any of the reasons that I am not the only one to blame. I will simply own my share.

________

Note:

I know that not all of my readers will agree with my methods. But, as we all know, every relationship is different. What works for one might kill another. I don't share my personal experiences as a complaint, to elicit sympathy, or call for advice. In our own lives, we are the only ones who can attempt repairs, deal with resentments, forgive, accept, or decide to walk away.

I share because it helps me to process my thoughts...and because my thoughts...and my process...might help someone else in a similar situation. When I do not let my thoughts out, the storm rages and does so much more damage. I realize I don't necessarily have to share with others to process my own issues. I could go to a therapist, keep my shit to myself and a trusty journal. Airing my dirty laundry is not everyone's chosen policy when it comes to healing. This whole thing is a journey, and for what it's worth, I appreciate knowing that I'm not alone. I like to read about other people's struggles and weakness because it gives me perspective. It helps me learn to empathize. And it often provides me with new possibilities for my own life. It's about understanding ourselves through our words and sharing that with others. In a very real sense, it's about communion and healing through openness - laying ourselves bare.

I don't expect that everyone will even want to read these posts, which is why they are clearly labeled. It is easy to navigate my site, enjoy the stories or lighthearted content and avoid the heavy relationship stuff. But, if you do follow my personal journey, know this - I am letting you in because I believe in the power of confessional writing.