Not everyone believes in marriage. I have plenty of friends who can see no value in a piece of paper or a ring to sanctify their love. And, seriously, if I hadn't planned on having children, I might not have needed it either.
Oh, who am I kidding? I totally had the "white knight sweeping me off my feet and taking me away to a fairytale castle so we could live happily ever after" fantasy swimming around in my brain from at least the time I could walk. By the time I could talk, I was playing house. And by the time I could write, I was planning my wedding and making lists of all the qualities my perfect boyfriend would have.
I'm not ashamed of my hopeless romanticism. But, I have come to accept its unrealistic sides and the difficulties it has presented me in my marriage.
What do they say? Expectation is the root of all heartache? I think Shakespeare's version is, "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises." Maybe it is a happy connection that this quote comes from the play "All's Well That Ends Well." I can only hope that is an omen. Aside from the fact that the female lead tricks her husband into staying, and he does virtually everything he can to thwart her efforts I suppose, aside from the quote and the title the plot makes a terrible metaphor.
Anyhow...moving on...
Anyhow...moving on...
Now that I'm past 40, I'm beginning to change quite a few of my expectations about life...and quite a few of my priorities. I'm not going to go into great detail...this isn't a therapy session. And even though writing often is my mental health prescription of choice, I'm not going to subject you to that right now. Instead, I'm simply going to jump right into my new plan.
I'm the sort of person is who needs routines. Calendars and planners make me giddy with possibility. I can spend hours filling them out, organizing them, creating color-coded highlighter keys and adding sticker embellishments. What can I say, I missed my calling as an elementary school teacher (if I only liked little kids a bit more, it might not be a bad gig). That being said, I am not a very spontaneous person. I like things planned. Well-planned. And then re-planned, reviewed, and planned again. This, of course, drives my husband mad. But, in my defense, he did know what he was getting into from the get-go.
The flip side of my hyper-planning nature is that if I don't plan it, it likely won't even cross my radar. And there-in lies the problem for Mr. D and me: he wants me to spontaneously just want him and, calendar and to-do list be damned, drop everything and give myself up to lust. I only wish it were that easy.
It's not like I have a broomstick up my ass. I'm not a prude. I've done plenty of sexual experimentation. I'm just not sexually spontaneous. And I'm especially uncreative in that regard when I'm put to the test.
So, I have a plan (of course I do...would you expect anything less?)! "The Marriage Reinvention Project" is my way of planning ahead to fulfill Mr. D's deepest soul needs. It's how I'm sending out 2017 (basically and unimpressive year in every regard) and welcoming 2018 (hopefully better in every way).
This project will entail focusing on one particular theme at a time. I'm not sure what they all will be yet, but let's see where this takes us, shall we?
Here's to a New Year's Resolution I pray I can keep.
Something I have really struggled with over the years is showing sexual initiative. It's not that sex isn't important to me (though I'll be honest and say that there have been more times than I'd like to admit that I could have done without it).
Partially, it's insecurity. Some of it is fear of rejection. Neither of these things make any sense, since my husband has always found me sexy, beautiful, and more than worthy of fucking. I can count on one hand the times he's said no to sex.
Another thing that gets in the way of my initiative is selfishness. I get caught up in my own life and needs and wants (which don't always include sex...or my husband, for that matter). I choose to do other things and I get caught up in them. The sad thing is, those things aren't even always things I like to do. Sex would be more fun that most of them: chores, errands, work.
That leads me to wonder...why don't I want sex? I'll deal with that in a post or two (or several).
I'm also going to simplify and focus my posts a bit, in this arena, as I'm finding myself becoming a bit mired in writing obligations. I'll be sharing my marriage failures and successes on Marriage Monday. so stay tuned for those posts, starting in February. If marriage confessions are what you are after, check back every Monday for something new.
Theme #1
(January/February)
Partially, it's insecurity. Some of it is fear of rejection. Neither of these things make any sense, since my husband has always found me sexy, beautiful, and more than worthy of fucking. I can count on one hand the times he's said no to sex.
Another thing that gets in the way of my initiative is selfishness. I get caught up in my own life and needs and wants (which don't always include sex...or my husband, for that matter). I choose to do other things and I get caught up in them. The sad thing is, those things aren't even always things I like to do. Sex would be more fun that most of them: chores, errands, work.
That leads me to wonder...why don't I want sex? I'll deal with that in a post or two (or several).
I'm also going to simplify and focus my posts a bit, in this arena, as I'm finding myself becoming a bit mired in writing obligations. I'll be sharing my marriage failures and successes on Marriage Monday. so stay tuned for those posts, starting in February. If marriage confessions are what you are after, check back every Monday for something new.
No comments:
Post a Comment